Like a dog losing his master

Monday morning we woke up anxious.  Anxious for the unknowns, anxious to start our new life, just anxious.  It is hard to sing happy birthday to Dusty and be all excited when in the back of my mind all I want to do is scream!  We took the kids to school and headed to the oncology office to start our first dose of chemo.  On the way there I kept probing Dusty (like I always do).  "What are you feeling?  How are you?  Are you nervous?"  I said, "Do you want to listen to Metallica?"  He said, "YEAH!!!"  We drove fast and rocked hard!  It was probably comical to outsiders at traffic lights.  We got to the intersection to pull into the parking lot and I asked if he wanted to continue driving for a few more minutes and listen to "For whom the Bell Tolls", my favorite Metallica song?  He said, "No, I'm ready to get this started!"  We went in and everyone greeted us with warm welcomes.  Either they feel sorry for this young couple or they are all aware of the scary battle of esophageal patients.  Sometimes I feel like we are a circus show.  We went in to see the doctor and go over his thoughts on our plan from MD Anderson.  He thinks it is a great plan.  For the first time we were explained why we were sent home and why we are doing the plan this way.  The brainiacs at MD Anderson  don't talk much.  They are "thinkers" and that is fine with me!  Think away!  He said (I'll try my best to explain this) that since Dusty's CEA (Carcinoembryonic Antigen) numbers are so high, they want to treat him with three types of chemo.  You can only have three at one time; either three chemos or two chemos and one radiation.  Chemo mainly treats the whole body and radiation is a local treatment.  Since, Dusty's CEA is high the likely hood that their are micro metastasis throughout the body is high.  If they do two chemos and radiation it will only focus on the esophagus and lymph node next to it.  Doing three chemos will treat the whole body and kill any other metastasis that are not visible on the scans.  Ohhhhh, I get it!  For the first time, I get it.  This made me feel a lot better.  I understood the plan and agreed with the plan.  Instead of feeling like we were a lost cause and sent home we know that this plan is the BEST and feel like it will work.  Thank you God! 

They take us to the back to the "recliner room", where there are about 7 other patients there getting chemo.  All of them are in their high seventies.  The looks we get are looks of great depression, "how can this young man have such a horrible disease?"  The room is shaped like a capital T, divided into four sections, each section has four to five recliners in it.  We chose the middle section.  Dusty's professor Dr. Wear was with us.  She has been Dusty's mentor and we consider her family.  She helped keep Dusty's mind at ease.  I don't know what happened to me, but I lost it.  I mean, totally lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  HUGE alligator tears rolling down my face.  I excused myself and went to the bathroom.  What are you doing?  Get it together!  I stayed in the bathroom for a good ten minutes.  I walked out and started heading back to the room and it hit me again.  I ran back to the bathroom and got sick.  What is going on?  Get strong, he needs you.  Come on!  I washed my face, which made me even more red, and went back to sit by Dusty.  Dr. Wear had left.  Dusty had a pillow in his lap and I laid my head on the pillow.  I felt like a dog bowing down to his Master.  Thinking about that made me more upset.  I started thinking if a dog's master died, so would the dog.  Which made me lose it again.  (Cheesy, I know, but this is what went through my head).  Dusty said, "You're not allowed to come anymore!"  Which made me bust out laughing.  I gathered myself and was able to pull it together.  If he can see the light in this, so can I.  Just don't go towards the light! :)  

Dusty had one hour of a steroid bag, 72 hour anti-nausea medicine, fluids and then she gave him a shot of a Ativan.  The nurse joked that she was going to get me one.  Really, I needed it!  Dusty started to snooze in and out.  After an hour she came back with another bag.  This time it was the first chemo.  Here come the tears.  I couldn't hold back.  This time they weren't tear shaped, just a river flowing.  I kept wiping my face. I called my mom and asked her to bring me an Xanax.  She did and I settled down and became the "rock" that everyone thinks I am.  Dusty did great with the first chemo.  After she attached the bag I watched for any changes in him.  Nothing.  He said it didn't feel any different.  whew!  He had that chemo for an hour then she brought the two hour chemo bag.  He did great with that one as well.  In the last 30 minutes they sped up the drip.  He quickly started feeling a burning in his arm.  So intense that he had the nurse come slow down the drip.  When she did that it added an hour to his time.  He said he would rather deal with the pain than sit for another hour. They turned the drip back up and put a warm rice bag on his arm.  It helped.  The pain went away.

Throughout the 4.5 hour treatment we had many visitors.  We had a party!  Dusty has a power house "A team".  We went to Miyabi's for dinner that night to celebrate his 28th birthday.  All in all, it was a great day.  We crossed the bridge and realized WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS!