Monday, December 10, 2012

Old day's medicine

I'm sorry that i haven't blogged in a long time.  I've been busy with life.  We have had many ups and downs through the last few weeks.  I want to give everyone a quick update.

In Houston Dusty had a lump arise.  We had the oncologist's PA look at it and she thought that it was a busted blood vessel and nothing to worry about.  Well in October we noticed that it had tripled in size.  We showed our oncologist here and he said it doesn't look like anything to worry about but we should have it removed to be sure.  We had it removed in November.  The pathology came back as positive for adno cell carcinoma (same cancer that was in his esophagus).  The doctor was very concerned that his cancer had spread from his esophagus and liver to his skin.  It is one of the most unlikely places for it to spread.  He was concerned where else the cancer stopped prior to ending in the skin.  They put a rush on his MRI and CT scan.  We were going to get the results on Thursday (12/6/12).  It was the longest day of my life.  I had the doctor call me to give me the news, not Dusty.  I can handle news better and absorb it before relaying the news.  Thursday I waited for my phone to ring.  My stomach was in knots.  I called multiple times and the nurse said the results are on his desk and he will call me after 5:00 when he is done seeing patients.  Should I just show up?  At 5:30 Elaine and I left the office, thinking that he had forgotten to call me.  On the way to pick my children up from daycare, my phone rings.  I pulled into daycare and parked the car.  Our doctor said, "Well, it's not what we wanted.  His tumor in his liver has tripled in two months."  My heart stopped.  "What does this mean?"  He said, "Dusty's cancer is very aggressive and is beating the chemo.  With the amount of chemo that he is receiving, his cancer should be shrinking.  The fact that it is tripling, means the chemo is not working."  I asked if the cancer has spread to any other organs, he said no but there are a few smaller tumors in the liver.  I was at a loss.  At this point, Elaine had loaded her kids up and was sitting next to me in the car.  She text my mom to come get my kids for me.  I asked the doctor what is next?  He didn't have the answer.  I asked about coming in and doing chemo on Monday (today, 12/10/12).  He said there is no need to continue chemo because it is not working.  At that moment reality sunk in; they are giving up, they are pulling the plug, my husband has no other options.  The rest of the conversation was pretty much a blur.  I said goodbye to Elaine and left.  I drove around for thirty minutes.  How do you go home and tell your husband that this is the end?  How do you say, "The doctors don't have hope, but keep your head up???"  Dusty called and wanted me to pick up some side items from Wife Saver because his sister had made his favorite meatballs for him.  He was all excited and in a good mood.  I couldn't tell him over the phone.  I picked up the sides, knowing that we wouldn't have an appetite once I told Dusty the news.  I circled the two cul-de-sacs in my neighborhood twice each.  I called our best friend, Aaron, and asked him, "How do I tell Dusty that he is going to die?"  This does not mean he is dying.  I'll get to the "next steps".  I pulled in the driveway and composed  myself.  I put my smile on and went in.  When I walked through the door Dusty asked, "Where are the kids?"  His face immediately changed and he said, "You talked to the doctor didn't you?"  I rushed to him and held him tightly.  I told him what the doctor said and he just looked like a lost child.  What do you say or do for that?  He had a feeling that it wasn't going to be good when it showed up in his skin.  Honestly, we all did.  We all thought it would be in all of his organs but it stayed contained in his liver.  The location of the tumor is inoperable and they can't radiate his liver.  The amount of radiation it would take would kill the liver before it killed the tumor.  Your liver does regenerate but at a slower pace than the tumor is growing.  It won't work.  Again, feels like there is no answer.

"NEXT STEPS"
1. MD Anderson is working on a clinical trial that will genetically code his tumor.  If they can find the gene that is creating that tumor, they can "turn it off" with hormones and stop the cancer from spreading.  They are in the process of "growing" his tumor and testing for this particular gene.  Only 25-40% of people express this gene but if Dusty does, it will be a game changer (Doctor's words).  So, for now, we are hoping and praying for Dusty to have this gene.

2. We are going to talk with our oncologist in Houston about another chemo cycle.  We have been on the newest, most advanced chemos but they are thinking about putting Dusty on a chemo cycle that they used to use.  "Old day's medicine".  The doctor said he would only do a couple of cycles of this chemo and re-scan Dusty to see if it is working.  These chemos will make him very sick (like chemo in the old days) and he said at some point you have to weigh out quality of life versus quantity of life.  Dusty said, "Please don't give up on me."  The doctor said he wouldn't but if the chemo does not work, he doesn't need to be sick on it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Chutes and Ladders

The plane ride to Houston was the hardest one that we have had yet.  We couldn't sleep, constantly fidgeted, and worried the whole time.  Nothing helped, not even our anxiety medicine.  We arrived at Houston Hobby at 11:25 pm and caught the shuttle to the Rotary House (hospital hotel).  We were both very anxious and couldn't sleep.  We decided to go on a walk around the hospital to get tired.  We went to Cafe 24/7 and got some chocolate milk and pasta salad (great combo, I know).  We went back to our room and finally fell asleep.  We both tossed and turned and gave up on sleeping in at about 7:30 am.  Dusty's appointment for his MRI was not until 10:00.  My dad arrived at 9:30.  We walked over to the hospital and met my dad and signed Dusty in.  His MRI would take about an hour so Dad and I walked around MD Anderson.  I showed dad the MD Anderson Universe.  He was amazed at how large it is, and how much walking was required!  At 11:15 dad and I arrived back at the waiting room in the MRI center.  Dusty texted me as we walked through the door that he was still in the waiting room in the back and hadn't started.  Ugh, more waiting.  Dad and I decided to go get lunch and then went back to the room to relax.  Dusty called me around 1:30 and was done.  We rushed to him.  We went straight to the surgeon's office for our next appointment, pre-op and the reading the results of the MRI.  We were so nervous.  Dad was doing what he always does and trying to make us feel good by joking around.  They called us back.  The PA came in and talked with us about what the typical protocol is for the pre-op.  She also said that there was a spot that showed up on the PET Scan, and that she and the surgeon looked it over and didn't think much of it but knows that our oncologist likes to be thorough.  She said she feels it is just precaution.  Dusty, Dad, and I felt a huge sense of relief.  We started to feel positive about the entire situation.  Just then, the PA said the results posted and she left the room to read them.  Dusty was shaking.  He just kept rocking back and forth and shaking his legs.  I could see that he was about to come unglued.  I wasn't feeling this way.  For some reason, I had a lot of hope and pressure lift from me.  I wasn't nervous.  I knew we were going to get good news.  I was pumped!  I told Dusty, "It's going to be okay!"  The PA came in with a grimace look on her face but a perky voice.  She said, "Well unfortunately..."  I thought she was going to say, "You're having surgery Thursday."  But she didn't.  She said, "Well, unfortunately there were two spots that showed up on your liver and an enlarged lymph node."  Silence hit the room.  We were at a lost.  I thought is was a joke from the tone of her voice.  It took minutes to settle in.  Dusty just looked lost.  I've never seen such defeat in someone's face.  Dusty just kept looking at the floor and had his hands over his head.  He asked the dreaded question, "How long am I going to live?"  She said that is not the question to ask but that is for the doctors to answer.  The odds against esophageal cancer are so low.  But, she remained positive.  She sent the surgeon in.  He said that there are a lot of treatment plans out there and hopefully Dusty can be treated with chemo and it get rid of the tumors in his liver and lymph nodes and then he will qualify for the surgery again.  I said, "He is young and the liver regenerates, why can't you do the surgery and cut out the section of the liver?"  He said, "Because there are cancer seeds now that are spreading and if you only try cutting them out you will not get the micro cells that you can't see.  You must treat with chemo to get rid of them and then possibly do radiation again if in the end there is only one tumor left."  I was losing it.  I tried so hard to be strong for Dusty.  I held everything in that I could when all I wanted to do was get on my knees and scream and curse to God, Why, Why WHY????  We have done everything right, Dusty lives such a wholesome life.  He is a good person and does not deserve this.  Cancer sucks.  The surgeon and Dusty had a heart to heart on what we can do.  He said he sees miracles all the time and that are unexplained.  Does this mean the odds are that bad that it will only be a miracle?  I'm a math person so I follow stats and odds, but I'm also a spiritual person and I believe in God and miracles.  I just wish this didn't have to be such a miracle and more about odds.  Dusty is a scientists and believes in the science, which is not necessarily a good thing.  He knows the biology behind a lot of it and, let's face it, the biology behind stage 4 esophageal cancer sucks, but he also has faith.  He has to, or we won't win.  I need everyone to help lift Dusty's spirits and help him have faith and see that he can make this.  This entire process has been like a grown up game of Chutes and Ladders.  We almost make it up and then we slip and fall down.  I just want to make it to the "winners squares".

Leaving the hospital we were back to the awkward silence.  Dad didn't know what to say.  He has not been with us to experience such let down.  We on the other hand are used to it.  But, not news like this. I mean, the surgeon actually gave the "5% survival rate" words.  What do you say to that?  You would think by now I would have the words but I don't.  Dusty knows.  We just look at each other and know what we are thinking.  Silence is awkward but common.  Dad did the best he could but nothing could cheer us up.  Dad said, "we just keep going, we fight."  But, after sliding down the ladder so many times it is hard.  AGAIN, I'm giving Dusty a few days to sulk (and myself) and then it is back to the "kick ass" attitude that I have carried with me this entire time.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Reason for living

After Dusty's endoscopy on Wednesday we got to talk to the doctor that does the endoscopies.  He said it looked like Dusty had a good response to the chemo and radiation.  We saw the pictures and it looked like the tumor in his esophagus had shrunk about 75%.  In the beginning when Dusty had two months of chemo without radiation, the treatment had almost made the lymph nod disappear.  So, with adding more chemo and radiation, it had to work.  Right?

We woke up Thursday, excited, ready to find out great news.  I know all the praying, love, support, and bonds that we have received had to make this work.  God, please let it have work.  On the way to the hospital Dusty and I were singing along with the radio, laughing, in good spirits.  When we got to the oncologist office there were a lot of people waiting.  Aw man, I want to know.  We were as giddy as the day we got married.  So pumped, excited, a little scared but knew, it was going to be good.  When you're waiting for live or die news, you can't help but to start to think the worst.  My legs started shaking.  I told Dusty I feel like something is wrong because it is taking so long.  I thought the doctors were trying to prepare to tell us bad news.  He said, "No, they are just busy."  I hope, I hope, I hope.  They call us back there.  I'm pretty sure at this point my stomach is in my throat.  She takes Dusty's vital and everything looked good.  His blood pressure was low.  I joked that if they took mine, they would admit me.

The RN sits down with us in the room and starts asking questions on how his recovery has been and how he is feeling mentally and physically.  We brought up surgery and she danced around it.  Umm, excuse me.  We mentioned surgery.  Aren't we here to discuss surgery?  Why is she avoiding it?  Dusty said, he noticed the tumor had shrunk in the PET scan.  She said, "We'll get to that in a minute."  NO, get to it NOW DAMNIT!  I can feel Dusty starting to shake.  Now we are both slipping.  I felt like we were on honey I shrunk the kids and we were tinni tiny and she was talking in slow motion down to us.    She said, "Something showed up in your liver."  WWWHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTT?  What? What?  I don't think we heard her correctly.  We asked multiple times.  What she is talking about and what does this mean?  She said it could be a tumor or radiation scaring.  They need to do an MRI to determine if the cancer has spread.  Well, I've been doing this long enough now to know that scars do not "glow" on a PET scan, cancer does.  How can you mistake the two?  I can feel Dusty giving up.  He literally is giving up completely in his body language.  I put my head in my hand and start to cry.  I feel so bad for Dusty that I can't keep it together.  It wasn't the news that I couldn't handle.  It was Dusty losing hope.  I asked, "If it is a tumor, will they do the surgery?"  She said, "NO."  I"m going to throw up on this lady.  I asked what the next step would be and she said, "let's not jump to conclusion, we don't know anything yet."  No we don't know anything yet, but we do know enough to be scared to death, literally. If the cancer has spread, it is stage 4.  I'm not even going to go into that.  You all know what that means.  I begged her to get us in to do a MRI that day.  They didn't have any openings.  I said, "What if we just go sit there, will they fit us in?"  She said, "No, everyone else here has to wait for answers, just like you."  Bitch.  They got us an appointment Tuesday.  We meet with the surgeon for pre-op Tuesday afternoon.  So, either he will say, "Yes, it is a "go", or No, we need to reevaluate."

Dusty was lost.  He was ready to give up.  He said, "If it is stage 4, I don't want to be on chemo the rest of my life until I die.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone and I don't want people to watch me struggle and be sick."  He said, "He doesn't want people to be relieved at his funeral, he wants them to mourn him."  I let him have his hour of sorrow and then I said, "ENOUGH.  You are no longer allowed to talk like this.  You can't think that way.  You have to fight.  Your kids and I deserve that."  He apologized and agreed to fight.  And I apologized and agreed that he could give up if it comes to the day that he is living on morphine and has no control of his own body.  Then, we went back to the old days of awkward silence.  There really is nothing that you can say in this situation.  We went back to Ashley's apartment, highly medicated, and held each other.  No words needed in that moment.  I knew what he was thinking and he knew what I was thinking.

It is now Friday, we are about to head to the airport to go home to our reason for continuing, OUR CHILDREN!

excuse my language, sometimes I just have to let it out.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

All sounds too familiar

Dusty is currently in the operating room having an endoscopy done.  His spirits are high and we are feeling positive.  We haven't been able to read the doctor's body language or moods but today we should be able to get our first sense of results.  We will get pictures from the endoscopy and will be able to compare them with the pictures of the tumors pre-treatment.  I warned Dusty that the pictures may look worst than before because now he will have a lot of dead and burned tissue.  But we should be able to tell from the doctor's response if there are any more tumors.  But, trying not to jump to conclusions but it is hard.

While Dusty and I sat in our little curtain cubicle waiting to start fluids and take vitals, it is hard to not eaves drop on the other patients in the other cubicles.  Everything we heard was so familiar.  "I was diagnosed with Barret's Esophagus." "I had acid reflux for years." "I had a hard time swallowing."  "I had chest pain."  It was all so familiar.  I just wanted to pull back the curtains and tell everyone that it will be okay.  Dusty is proof.  He made it through the treatments and is preparing for surgery.  I remember being that couple in the curtain for the first time and being scared to death of what they were going to find.

Now, I'm sitting in the cafeteria waiting for Dusty to be finished and I'm eaves dropping again.  There are two residence students sitting near me and talking about what they are going to focus on in their carreer.  One said she wants to focus on gastro oncology.  I seriously can't get away from it anywhere.  She said her father passed away a year ago from esophageal cancer and since then, she knew her path.  Where are my earbuds when I need them?  She started telling her friend about the stages that they went through and his treatment.  He started out as stage 2 (my heart dropped, Dusty is stage 3), but then when he came to MD Anderson, they found more tumors and he ended up being stage 4.  I was relieved to hear that he passed from stage 4, not stage 2 or 3.  Although, I feel for her and understand a little of what she went through.

Gotta run!  Dusty should be done soon.  I'll keep you all posted on how well we probe the doctor for answers.  He can't give us much because that is the oncologist job, but I'm definitely going to try!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Quick update on Dusty

I've been too busy to blog while in Augusta.  Spending a lot of time with my kids, friends, family, and working.  I have learned a lot about myself through this process.  Dusty and I have the greatest friends and support group.  You all are amazing.  We have made many new connections and relationships that mean so much to us.  But, we have also lost friends through this.  It's sad to think that some of the people closest to you don't care enough to pick up a phone and call.  We can't worry about bad relationships, only the ones that will continue to make us stronger.

The first two weeks that we were home were horrible.  Dusty couldn't keep anything down and his body was losing the battle.  He lost 18 lbs in two weeks bringing total weight loss to 43.2 lbs.  He is so tiny.  For him.  The last week of radiation and the two weeks after were the worst part of our journey so far.  It was very hard on Dusty.  He felt terrible and was very alone.  I had to go back to work and the kids were in school so Dusty was home alone all day.  I was so tired in the evening from getting up at 6:45 every morning, getting showered and dressed, getting the kids their breakfast and dressed, taking the kids to school, working all day, coming home and cleaning house, going and picking up the kids from daycare, cooking dinner, feeding the kids, bathing the kids, and putting them to bed.  EXHAUSTED!  I felt bad for Dusty because he was so alone all day and wanted to hang out at night but I would pass out at 9:30 every night, which made him more lonely.  Dusty slowing spiraled into a deep depression.  All he had to do was sit there and think about cancer, all alone.  He battled depression for a few more weeks and finally I convinced him, through the help of his sister and Dr. Wear, to take something for depression.  Well, the medicine that he started taking made him nauseous and vomit.  Back to this again?  Everyone said this was normal so he started taking his anti-nausea medicine.  A week later, it seems to be helping.

While at home we got to celebrate Reynolds' 6th bday!  We had slumber party with five 5/6 year old boys.  It was craziness but fun.  I learned that 6 year old boys like Justin Bieber more than 13 year old girls.  :)  I have the videos to prove it!  Today is Tuesday, September 25, Harland's 3rd birthday!  I wish we could be with our baby boy but we have to take care of his daddy.

We are now back in Houston, getting PET/CT scans (Tuesday) and having an endoscopy with ultrasound (Wednesday).  We meet with the oncologist Thursday for restaging.  We are staying positive but in the back of our mind there is a little devil saying, "What if?"  What if it didn't work?  What if it spread?  I'm staying very positive for Dusty but I'm also panicking inside.  I believe in our doctors and I believe in medicine so I feel it worked but I can't help but to try to prepare myself for the worst.  I have also developed a strong faith in God and the miracle of prayer.  WE FEEL YOUR PRAYERS, KEEP THEM COMING.  This week will determine the rest of our lives.  It is so hard to deal with such a monster like cancer.  IF there are any more tumors, or if the cancer "got smarter" and fought back against the chemo and radiation, they will not do surgery.  His cancer will then be stage 4, inoperable/non-curable.  Only treatable until the cancer wins.  BUT, that is not the case!  I believe that the medicine worked.  It had to.  There is no other option.   We will know Thursday.  I will keep you all posted.

Special thanks to Ashley Bridges for letting us stay at her apartment this week.  Saving us $550.  You're the greatest!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Reunited and it feels so good!

The night before our last radiation we couldn't sleep.  We were so anxious to get on the road and see our kids and be out of this nightmare.  Neither of us slept.  I couldn't get my mind to go to sleep.  I didn't want to medicate since I would be driving the whole day.  At 11:30 I decided to turn on the TV to get my mind to stop wondering.  I fell asleep at about 12:15.  I woke to Dusty getting sick at 2:00 and from that point forward, I watched the clock.  I watched the clock until 4:15.  We got up at 5:30 to be at the hospital for Dusty's LAST radiation at 6:00.  Emotions ran through both of us.  The last two weeks had been so difficult. Dusty was very sick, in pain, not eating, and very depressed.  The stupid car issue didn't help.  They called him back.  He did his last treatment and then called me back to watch him ring the victory bell.  It was a moment that I would never forget.  Dusty is the strongest person that I know and has only shed a few tears throughout this process, but he didn't hold back on this morning.  You could see the joy in his eyes that this was over.  He did great!



There was no way that I could drive so we went back to the hotel and got some much needed sleep.  We slept until 11:00 then got on the road.

The drive home was horrible.  It was long and silent.  Dusty felt horrible.  I kept having to pull over so that he could get sick.  It was awful.  He couldn't get comfortable and had terrible leg pains.  We stopped in Mobile, AL and stayed the night.  Dusty continued to throw everything up; water, food, medicine, everything.  It was so hard to watch.  I thought he was going to get out easy because he was supposed to get sick during week 2.5 and 3 but he didn't.  He got VERY sick during week 5.5.  But, hey, at least he wasn't sick that whole period.  There wouldn't be anything left of Dusty if he had gotten sick in week 3.  At this point, leaving Houston, Dusty had lost about 22 lbs.  Not too bad, at least he had the weight to loose.  If he was a tiny guy I don't know what we would have done.

I drove so fast.  When we hit I-20 and I could feel home.  I turned on Metallica and set my cruise control on 90.  I started to feel the emotions coming out.  I started to cry.  Dusty asked me what was wrong and I said, "I don't know, I guess I'm just glad this is almost over."  For me, it wasn't over until I got my husband home. We pulled into my neighborhood and turned the corner to see my house up the street.  I saw Chris Wheeler's car, Aaron's car, and my Aunt's car.  I started bawling!!  SOBBING!  I could feel all the stress and pressure leave me.  It was like I was running a marathon and just handed off the baton.  I now had help.  I had our friends.  I had our family.  I was no longer alone trying to take care of Dusty and hold the weight of the World by myself.  Oh, relief.  I can't explain it.  I slammed my car in park and jumped out.  I felt like my legs were going to collapse underneath me.  I was shaking uncontrollably.  I saw my mom's car coming up the street and knew my boys were inside.  Reynolds knew we were coming home but Harland is still too young to understand.  I saw Reynolds smile so big and he jumped out and hugged Dusty so tight.  I could see it in Reynolds that he was holding back.  Such a cool cat!  Then, I made eye contact with Harland, he had his hand over his mouth and his eyes were as big as silver dollars.  He immediately started trying to pull off his car seat belt.  Dusty was on that side of the car and pulled Harland out.  He wouldn't take his eyes off me and I ran over to him.  He hugged me so tightly that I didn't think I was ever going to get him off!  And I was fine with it.  I was so happy to be home with my family and friends.  Elaine and Joey showed up and I thought I was never going to let her go!  I missed my friend so much.  She is my voice when I can't talk and my strength when I can't hold on.  My wonderful friends had a cleaning party at our house before we came home.  Our house was so clean and decorated with ballons and welcome home banners!  Thank you Justin and Laura, Eddie and Heather, Chris and Ann, and Aaron!  You guys are the best!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

We have three security guards

Friday, August 3, we walked out to our car to go to the hospital to do Dusty's daily radiation treatment.  I noticed my passenger glass window was shattered.  I stopped by the front office and told the manager what had happened.  He said, "When you return from radiation we will call the police and file a report."  We went on with our routine.  When we got back the hotel manager called the police and they came out to file a report.  The police said it is a common thing in Houston and sadly the only time they meet nice people is in cases like this.  Lovely town.  While probing me I told the police officer our story and why we are here in Houston.  He felt bad that we were having to deal with this on top of fearing for our future.  He said he would do drive-bys at night and keep an eye on things.  Just then, the hotel manager said (in a "holy" proud tone), "We have three security guards!"  Oh, WOW!  Three security guards, well, they must be employees of the year!  I said, "Yeah, I've seen two of them sleeping on their golf carts, twice!"  He looked surprised and said he would take care of that and that it is noted.  Well, that's just great!  Glad I could secret shop your security guards.  I called around to see if any of the traveling glass repair companies were available.  No one could fit us in so Saturday, Ashley took us to get my window repaired ($208).  I'm so thankful for Ashley, don't know what I would do without her here!

Monday, August 6, Dusty has his last chemotherapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, please take a moment to celebrate!

Monday night I had a hard time going to sleep.  Reynolds, my first born, my pride and joy, started kindergarten on Tuesday morning.  I was going through many emotions about missing this huge event in his life.  I didn't get much sleep.  I woke up early so that I could talk to Reynolds before he went to school.  He was so excited. His enthusiasm brightened my mood.  Not long after we hung up the hotel phone rang.  It was the front desk telling me that the manager was outside my door and wanted to talk to me.  I thought it was about my window.  I got up and went out there.  As we started walking towards my car he said, "We had another break-in."  I turned the corner expecting to see my window broken when...... BAM, I saw it, my car was sitting on blocks.  They stole my wheels and tires.  I lost it.  I couldn't believe it.  I screamed, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"  I said, "Where was the security?  What were they doing?  Sleeping again?"  He told me that he took their golf carts away since I told him that they were sleeping on their golf carts.  Oh good, take a lazy person's transportation away and expect them to WALK around a hotel!  I couldn't take it.  I had to go get Dusty because I was ready to collapse.  I opened the hotel door and said, "Dusty, my car is sitting on blocks." He quickly came down.  After a few choice words with the manager we had to go inside and get ready to go to radiation.  Before going our separate ways the manager said he would call his insurance company and that they have special cases for things like this.  So, in my mind they were going to make it right.  Ashley came and got us and took us to radiation.  She got to meet some of my "waiting room buddies" and we shared our car story with them.  I called the hotel twice during the day and never got an answer from the manager.  At 6:00 pm I went up to the front lobby and spoke with the him.  He gave me the insurance company's phone number and our claim number.  He then told me that is it between us and the insurance company and the hotel and insurance is not responsible for theft or damage to cars.  This didn't sit well with me, especially since we are spending almost $6,500 at this hotel.



MORE TO COME ON THIS STORY.......  I'M PLAYING PHONE TAG WITH THE INSURANCE AGENT FOR MARRIOTT.  I DIDN'T GET ANYWHERE WITH THEIR CORPORATE OFFICE.

Monday, August 6, 2012

My boys! My boys!

One of the hardest parts of cancer is trying to figure out how to deal with it.  Everyday is different.  Some days Dusty feels great; he gets out and goes places, goes to the pool and gym, plays golf etc.  Then, other days he can't get out of bed, throws up bile and blood, and screams in pain.  You never know what to expect.  Dusty did so great while our kids were here.

It was Friday, July 27, I didn't sleep a wink the night before.  It was like we were expecting our third child.  We were overwhelmed with joy and excitement.  We went to radiation and then headed to the airport.  We arrived an hour early (maybe that will magically make the plane arrive early), parked, and went into the baggage claim area.  We were so giddy, pacing back and forth, and checking the arrival screen every four minutes.  Finally, Delta flight from Atlanta was arriving.  Tears started filling our eyes.  We ran to the bottom of the escalator waiting for them to come down.  Oh the anticipation is killing me!!  Then, I see my boys.  Oh, my boys, my boys!  I could barely wait for them to get off the escalator and our of the way of others.  Reynolds and Harland ran to us.  I grabbed Reynolds and could barely pick him up.  He has gotten so big.  Such a tall and handsome little man!  Dusty had Harland in his arms.  Harland quickly started calling for me.  We switched kids.  Harland held me so tight.  I could feel how much he missed me in his little grasp.  He wouldn't let go of my arm and that was fine with me.  We were all in tears.  Mom was crying watching her family unite again.  It will always be a special moment in my heart.  

We spent the weekend in San Antonio and got to spend time with some of my cousins and their children, and aunts and uncles.  It was a nice weekend and Dusty's energy and health was strong.

Monday is our busy day so we just hung around the hospital and hotel pool.  Our doctors, nurses, and "waiting room friends" all enjoyed meeting our kids.  It was nice for Reynolds to see "normal" people with cancer.

Tuesday we went to the Houston's Children's Museum, voted the best Children's museum in the United States.  It was so much fun.  We really had a good time building things, doing experiments, and playing with the boys.  Tuesday afternoon we went back to the hotel and went to the pool with the boys.  Reynolds got to talking to a young man, who was playing basketball.  He has cancer too.  They started playing basketball (the courts are next to the pool) and I joined in.  We decided to play PIG.  He kept missing and saying that he was just a P, but I rolled with it.  I knew I was winning!  :)  But, after a while of me realizing this is never going to end I had to call it quits and pull the dinner time card.  When we were walking back to our room, I told Dusty about him cheating.  Dusty had been talking to his mom while the kids and me were playing with him.  She told him that he has an inoperable tumor in his brain and that he can't produce new memories.  So, he couldn't remember that we were playing PIG and couldn't remember what letters he had.  I felt so bad.  The mother told Dusty that he is her second son with cancer.  Ugh, my heart aches for her.  He is only 28 and can't remember anything since December 2011.  He has no short term memory.  So sad.  We meet people daily with amazing survival stories.  This place is magical.

Wednesday we took the kids to the Houston Aquarium.  It was fun but doesn't have anything on the Atlanta Aquarium.  It wasn't a full day event so we decided to take the kids to Bass ProShop so they could see more fish and animals.  The ProShop is in an outlet mall so we got to participate in some of Reynolds' back to school shopping.  We are going to miss open house and his first two weeks of kindergarten.  It breaks my heart to miss this major milestone in Reynolds' life but we are doing what we have to do so that Dusty will be there for Reynolds' college graduation.  Wednesday evening we swam for a little while and then settled in to watch the Olympics.  

Thursday arrived, the dreaded departure date.  But, it came at a good time because Dusty's health started taking a turn for the worse.  I think he overdid it while the kids were here but it was very important to Dusty that Reynolds see him strong and not sick.  Reynolds has been very worried and has made comments about his daddy dieing of cancer, so Dusty was not going to be down while they were here.  Dusty got sick that morning but Reynolds was pretty shielded from it.  We went to radiation then off to the airport.  We didn't plan on it being gone long so Dusty didn't bring his pain medicine.  As we pulled into the airport my dad called and their flight had been delayed three hours.  We were too far from our hotel to return so we went to McDonalds to let the kids play and try to wear them out before the flight.  Dusty started feeling leg pains about an hour into it.  Pain in his bones and in his muscles.  Dusty hung in there for another hour but then it got to a breaking point.  We had to take the kids and mom on to the airport and get him back to our room.  We made our goodbye short and sweet.  I didn't want to drag it out and upset them more.   While pulling out of the airport Dusty and I both lost it.  We cried harder in this moment than when he was diagnosed with cancer.  Saying goodbye to your children is the hardest thing to do.  It rips your heart out.  

It was a much needed trip.  We cuddled with our babies and enjoyed every second of it.  While in San Antonio, we had a king bed so all four Haydens snuggled in.  We spent the first hour of each night just giggling and playing in the bed.  Then, in Houston Dusty and I took turns with the kids.  I've never been one to let the kids sleep with us but I think my rules have changed.  I never want to let them go now!

Since they left, Dusty has had ups and downs.  Thursday and Friday were horrible days, Saturday (we spent the day with Ashley Bridges) and Sunday (he played golf) were good days.  Then today, Monday, another bad day.  But, today we celebrate:  TODAY WAS HIS LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He still has to take the chemo pills in the morning and night until Friday but he does not have to do inter venous chemo anymore.  8 more radiations.  Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!  I'm so excited to see the end.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I feel like I'm drowning

Today has been hard.  I'm feeling very alone.  I miss my kids so badly that I can't breath.  It feels like I'm snorkeling, like I'm breathing enough to live but not getting satisfied by my breaths.  I feel like I'm drowning slowly.  I need my kids.  They are my life.  I'm counting down the days.  three days!!!  My mom is flying out with the boys on Friday.  I can't wait.  I'm so excited.  I'm more anxious to see them Friday than on the day they were born.  Seriously.  I already told Dusty we weren't going to sleep together the whole time they are here.  We are going to alternate which kid we get each night.  I can't wait to snuggle with them.  My rule of no children in the Master bed has gone out the window.  Hell, when I get home I may move their beds into my room.  Not really!  But, we will definitely have more pajama parties.  Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last touched my boys.  I'm literally going to attack them at the airport on Friday.  ATTACK!


Dusty is still doing good.  He is a chemo warrior.  He does so good with it.  He can feel the effects of the radiation but it is still tolerable.  We are learning how to manage his medicines.  If he takes his pain medicine 30 minutes before he eats, it helps with swallowing.  He also has a liquid that numbs his throat to help with swallowing, but we learned that it makes him nauseous so he has to take his anti-nausea medicine with the liquid.  It is all trial and error but we are learning what works for him.   Monday his platelets were low so we almost didn't get to do chemo but the doctor said lets move forward with chemo.  Since we didn't start radiation the first week we were here, we are going to be here a week longer; therefore, the doctor added one more chemo treatment.  So, now we have two more chemo treatments and seventeen more radiation treatments.  Friday we will be halfway done with radiation.  Yay!  


Our doctor got us in touch with a stage 3 esophageal cancer survivor who is 27.  We went to church and met John "Ty" and his fiancé, Niccole.  They are such warm and inviting people.  After church they invited us to lunch with them and two other couples, Robin and Ben and Stephanie and Will.  We ended up staying at the restaurant for three hours.  It was so great to get away from reality and have some fun.  It was the first time in a long time that I have laughed.  I'm hoping to have lunch again with the girls and Dusty and Ty plan on playing golf soon.  My hotel in near Robin and Niccole's work so hopefully, I can meet up with them once a week.
Niccole was by Ty's side through his entire treatment and surgery.  She told me what to expect and how to help him.  After surgery Dusty can't have food or water for 12 days, he will be on a feeding tube.  She WARNED me not to eat or drink anything in front of him during this period.  Let's just say her sneaking a butterfinger almost started World War III!  It feels good to have people here if I need help.  And they are good people.  They truly were there to help us and didn't make us feel out of place.  It was nice.

Tomorrow Dusty and I are getting out of my hotel room and going to help my college roommate with moving.  I'm excited to spend the day with Ashley.  She always makes me smile.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Making connections

Dusty is doing good with his treatments.  We have completed 8 of 28 radiation treatments and he only has 2 more chemo treatments left.  He is starting to have difficulty swallowing and pains but he is managing it well.  He said it feels like constant heartburn and he can feel heat in his stomach and back.  The pain radiates through his esophagus and he says he can feel it in his spine.  He is getting winded more easily due to radiation splatter on his lungs.  But, he said it is tolerable.  His attitude has gotten a lot better.  Our doctor got us in touch with a 27 year old guy that just followed pretty much the same treatment plan: chemo, then chemo with radiation, and followed by the surgery.  Dusty and him hit it off immediately.  They talked for almost an hour on the phone.  He made Dusty feel a lot better about the situation.  He told him what to expect and how to manage certain things.  It is a great connection.  We are going to church with him on Sunday.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Depression

Depression sucks!  That's it.  That's the bottom line.  I've never had to deal with it and I've never understood it.  But now it is in my face.  Dusty is sad.  Very very sad.  It is so hard to see him like this.  The man I love, the strongest man in my eyes, is so depressed.  He is having such a hard time the past three days.  He misses his kids more than anything.  He can't bear to Skype with them because it only hurts him more.  He has been fighting with me about taking his meds for fear of addiction but today, I won.  He finally took the actual dosage of his pain meds.  He has been trying to get by on only taking half.  I've told him not to fight it.  The doctors know how to prescribe it and they know how to wean you off of it.

It has just been a bad day.  But, on the good side.  My college roomie, Ashley Bridges, is coming to get me tomorrow night for a girls night at the movies.  Yep, we are going to see Magic Mike.  Don't judge, you know you want to see it!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Radiation

I'm sorry that I have been out of touch.  I've been having a hard time out here and writers block.  We were put off for a week and a day.  Our insurance company would not approve proton therapy because it is too new and too expensive.  We were supposed to start radiation on Monday, July 2.  They told us on Monday that we were not approved yet, then on Tuesday our insurance company would not return calls, knowing that Wednesday was July 4 and they would be closed.  So, this pushed us back to Thursday, well on Thursday at noon is when we were supposed to have our answers.  NOPE!  Nothing.  We called the doctors everyday and called the insurance company everyday.  Finally, on Monday, July 9, the doctor said lets go with plan 2, IMRT radiation.  Plan 2?  What does that mean?  Second best?  The doctor assured us that IMRT is really good.  He told us we are not getting 2nd rate medicine.  That IMRT is still better than other hospitals offer.  Way more advanced than everywhere else.  IMRT has a lose dose of radiation splatter to the surrounding areas.  Proton therapy does not.  We wanted proton therapy because radiation splatter to the surrounding areas means radiation splatter on his lungs and heart.  The heart is a strong muscle so radiation splatter is not much concern but the lungs are what scares us.  We need his lungs to stay strong for the surgery.

So, after coming out here 11 days too early, spending $1419 on an unnecessary hotel room, and being away from our children for a week and a half, we finally started on Tuesday, July 10.  Dusty did really well on Tuesday.  You don't feel radiation.  You start to feel the effects of radiation after about two weeks but you don't feel radiation during radiation.  Dusty has ups and downs.  He has random pains in his chest and legs.  He gets restless legs and has to use heating pads.  His spirits have been down since we started radiation.  I think it is something new and he is adjusting.  The first few days of chemo he did the same thing.  So, I think it is the initial shock of having to do radiation that is bringing him down.  There are many support groups here and I'm trying to get him to go with me but he is a private person.  He did make one joke about not glowing in the dark when we went to bed the other night!  :)  

My strength is being tested.  I'm really having a hard time being away from the kids.  I can feel Reynolds pulling away from us.  I don't know if it is because he is angry at us for leaving him or if he is  just busy when we call, but he doesn't want to talk to us much and only says hello for a minute on FaceTime and Skype.  I miss him so much.  Harland on the other hand doesn't want to get off of FaceTime and Skype.  He kisses the screen and loves to make faces with me.  I hold the screen tightly and cry to hold him.  It is like a part of me has died.  I need my children.  Luckily we raised enough money for me to buy two plane tickets to fly them here.  My mom is going to fly the kids out on July 27.  I can't wait.  We are so excited to see them.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Lucky penny

Saying goodbye to your children is never easy.  Wednesday night I had to say goodbye to my boys for 6 weeks.  That is the hardest part of this journey, not having my boys to hold when times get tough and we are down.  They remind us of what we are fighting for.  They are our reason for living.  Harland didn't understand that we were leaving for 6 weeks but Reynolds did.  Harland just thought it was another spend the night at Lolly and Pampaw's house.  But Reynolds knew.  He cried and begged to come along.  It was so hard to have to literally peel Reynolds off of my leg.  I cried the whole way home.  They are my life but so is Dusty and right now, Dusty needs me.  We have to do this so that we can be here for the boys forever.

Thursday morning we loaded up and headed out.  Not sure where we would stop but knew the route we would take.  I started my iPod playlist by artist, Alan Jackson was toward the top and we heard Midnight in Montgomery (song about Hank Williams Senior), Dusty said, "Hey, lets go see Hank Williams' grave while in Montgomery."  So we did!  I mean, Why not?  We didn't really have to be in Houston until Saturday evening so we thought we would make a trip out of the drive.  We saw the grave and took some pictures.  It was neat.  We continued on and ended up getting all the way to Biloxi, MS.  We stayed in a casino hotel and decided to play our luck on the slot machines.  Hell, we have had good news lately and felt lucky.  I put in $20, Dusty put in $20, and Mitchell (Dusty's dad) put in $13.  At the end of an hour we had $53.01. That's right, we won one penny!  That is our lucky penny!  We cashed in a called it a night.


Mitchell, Me, and Hank

Friday morning while leaving the hotel we passed the slot machines.  I threw in two more dollars and BAM, lost it.  So, in the end, we were in the hole $1.99.  Better than most of the poor souls we saw going machine to machine, rubbing rabbit's feet, and losing everything!

We continued down the coastal highway and saw Jefferson Davis' house.  We didn't pay to go in, just drove by and took a picture.


We decided to drive into New Orleans.  Katrina aftermath is still EVERYWHERE!  We passed many sections that were like ghost towns, construction dumpsters were on every corner, and every third house seemed to still be condemned.  It was so depressing.  Then, we went to the French Quarters.  EW!  It is the filthiest place I've ever been.  The streets were full of weird people and trash everywhere.  It seemed like every block had a strip club and sex shop.  It was not where I wanted to sightsee.  I checked trip advisor and everyone said you should visit the cemeteries in New Orleans.  So, we did.  It was worth the trip.  The monuments that people used to build are unbelievable.  Total works of art.  It was fascinating and creepy all together.  I enjoyed reading the history and learning the stories of some of the tombs.  They give you a CD to put in your car and a map of how to get to the different tombs.  It was really cool.  





On to Houston.  We arrived in Houston at about 9:30 and got checked into our hotel and passed out.  It was a long two days of driving.  I learned a lot along the way.  I learned that my father-in-law giggles in his sleep, that I never want to return to New Orleans, and that I want to be buried in a kick ass tomb!

















Thursday, June 21, 2012

MY HUSBAND WILL LIVE.

After having an awesome appointment with the radiologist, we felt on top of the World.  They were very concerned with Dusty's weight loss and wanted him to eat more of a balanced diet rather than a vegan diet.  He needs to keep his body strong because the next step is going to be draining and make him very weak.  This was music to our ears.  We were both getting exhausted of always having to think so much about eating.  It was never really easy for us.  I mean, the food we ate, we enjoyed but it was always a process to decide what to cook.  We are still going to make healthy choices but he needs to eat fish and chicken to keep his muscles strong.  He will have a hard time swallowing while on radiation so what he does swallow needs to be high in caloric value.

The radiologist did not have the results from the CEA yet so we didn't get those answers just yet.  Another day of waiting for answers.  I hate the waiting game.  He did tell us that our oncologist is very particular about the CEA levels being low.  He wants to make sure there are not any micro-matasstis in the rest of the body before starting radiation.  Radiation treats just the effected area, chemo treats the entire body.  The higher the CEA level, the greater the chances of the cancer spreading.

Thursday morning we had our appointment with the oncologist.  This is it!  We've been waiting for this for almost three months.  The doctor came in and sat down.  The blood center didn't test Dusty's CEA levels.  I almost fainted.  The doctor left the room and I immediately called the doctor's office back in Augusta and had them give me his CEA results over the last 8 months.  Dusty had his blood taken prior to his last chemo treatment and his CEA was at a 29.  In three treatments it had gone from a 94 to 29 and he had the fourth treatment after the 29 blood work.  I explained all of this to the doctor.  I'm sure it was a sight.  Me, explaining this to a World renown oncologist.  I felt like I was pleading for my husband's life.  Like I was begging him to accept us.  He wants the CEA to be around a 10.  But, he accepted us.  He said it was time for us to move to Houston.  AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!  YES! YES! YES!  Oh thank you God.  Thank you so much!  


We start chemo/radiation on July 2 in Houston.  6 weeks of daily chemo and daily radiation.  It is going to suck.  It is going to be hard.  But,  MY HUSBAND WILL LIVE!

We got to the car and I lost it.  I laid in Dusty's chest and cried for the first time in a long time.  I've been so positive and kept such a strong face for weeks and it finally caught up with me.  Finally, I felt like all of my words came true.  We are going to beat this.


Esophageal cancer is one of the most aggressively returning cancers.  Once you make it to five years, you are in the clear.  We will take this day by day.



This is our future.

We arrived Tuesday, prior to a horrible storm.  It was raining so hard that we decided to go straight to the hotel.  I'm still working on learning my way around Houston and I don't want to learn in a monsoon with Houston traffic.  We unloaded and went to our room.  I prayed that the rain would let up.  There is nothing worse than being stuck in a hotel with the big fat elephant.  We have learned to deal with it in Augusta and life is back to normal, well as normal as possible.  But, in Houston, there is no escaping that we are there for cancer.

The rain let up and we went out to dinner.  Dinner was awkward again.  Back to the blank stares and meaningless conversations.

We had to get to bed early.  Dusty had a PET/CT scan at 6:00 am on Wednesday morning.  This is the biggest test of our lives.  We have been sick about this test.  Basically, what this test will determine is if his tumors have spread or continued to grow during chemotherapy, there is nothing else that they can do for us.  Nothing they can do?????  This is the best cancer facility in the WORLD.  ?  


I didn't sleep at all.  I tossed and turned all night.  You can't imagine what it is like to wonder if your world is going to be ripped away from you.  To constantly worry if you're going to be a widowed mother of two.  I don't even know if I could continue without him.  He is my life.  My boys' lives.

On the way to the hospital we talked about how we can handle anything.  We are a great team: Dusty's strength, and my determination; we can handle anything!  I think!


Dusty's PET scan took about 2.5 hours.  Then, he had to go give blood.  The doctors want to see if his CEA levels are low enough to start adding radiation to his treatments and start treating locally (his esophagus) instead of only doing chemo which treats his whole body.  We finished everything and went straight to see the radiologist.  He said our PET/CT scan has already been uploaded to the system.    Gulp!  This is it, this is our future......


"I don't see anything else.  I see that your body is reacting correctly to the chemotherapy and your tumors are shrinking."  Wait, what????  What did you just say???  Seriously?  We celebrated, cheered, danced, laughed, etc.  Oh you have no idea.  It was so great!  Then, the doctor said, "BUT."  No "buts", you're not allowed to have "buts", this is our moment.  HUSH!  "But, the oncologist has to read it and makes the ultimate call on your plan."

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Golf Charity Event

We have had many ups and downs lately but I can honestly say that Monday, June 18 will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I saw my husband happy, I mean truly happy for the first time in months.  We had a BLAST at the golf charity event at Jones Creek, hosted by Ryan Forester and David Lewis.  It was such a special day.  The day started with free lunch and range balls and a silent auction filled with many great golf memorabilia's and other items.  Augusta native, Vaughn Taylor and Matt Bettencourt, married to Kelly Rush (Augusta girl!), sponsored the event.  Both PGA players sent in items and clubs to auction off.

ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF DUSTY'S LIFE:

Matt Bettencourt gave Dusty a Taylormade Driver that he actually used on tour!  Dusty was invited to do the honorary tee off.  It was so special.  I had chills!  Dusty is just a "for fun golfer" and when he drives the ball it is possible that he will be taking a mulligan!  But, not this day.  Nope, not at all.  He slammed that ball.  It was beautiful.  I know he was soooooo nervous.  He had about 60 people watching him.  It was so great!



Thank you to all who came out and played and supported my family.  Special thanks to Ryan Forester and David Lewis for all of their hard work.

Thank you to Jones Creek for allowing us to take over the afternoon.

Thank you to all of the sponsors.

Thank you to Joel Ferrara for your donation.

Thank you to my favorite guys: Steve, Marcus, and Jason!  You guys are the BEST!

Thank you to Michelle for helping me get some golf items to auction off.

Hope for the Haydens

I'm am so touched by  all of the people in my life.  I am surrounded by the best.  Friends, family, and Augusta have stepped up in a time of need and I'm forever grateful.  Thank you to all.

On Saturday, June 16, my daycare family held a family fun day, Hope for the Haydens.  It was a great time.  Blue Ridge Daycare is such an amazing daycare.  All members are like a family together.  We are a tight knit group and we all support each other.  The love that has poured out of the faculty at Blue Ridge has been so warming.  The teachers love my boys like they are their own.  Thank you for giving them extra attention in a time of need.

Red Robin also helped host the Hope for the Haydens.  My long time friend, Katie Dyches who works for Red Robin, brought the Red Robin team out and provided all of the food.  Thank you guys!



Thank you to the following people/companies for your donations and baskets for the silent auction:


Cracker Barrell (basket) - Evans

Palm beach tan (gift certificate)  - Evans (publix shopping center)

Paradise kennels - gift certificate.          ( Martinez)

Music & Computer pals - baskets

Ladybugs flowers & gifts - basket (Evans)

Jiffy Lube - gift certificates ( Joseph Lane)

Applebee's (gift cards)

Windsor ( pandora bracelet)

Dale Howell - basket(assistant director at daycare)

Lynne Johnson - basket

Simply Beautiful Photography - gift certificate (misty Maphis)

P & J's Bouncing Fun Inflatables

Advance Auto Parts - tool set (bill britton)

Modish Salon - 2 hair cuts (Sarah Smith)

Wal-mart - $200 for game supplies( Thompson and bobby jones)

Panera Bread - baked goods

The ultimate ride and fitness- free week certificate

Bee-lite - gift certificate

Beverage South - drinks

Pepsi - drinks

Coca-cola - drinks

General Wholesale - drinks

Red Robin - food

At Last Productions - gift certificate (cherie Barnett )

Rick Milton photography - gift certificate

Butler Automotive - gift certificates

Jennifer Langley with PartyLite - basket

5 O'clock Bistro - basket

Parkway Baptist Church (venue)

Chili's - gift card

Zaxbys - gift card

Wild wings - gift card

Bird dog grille - gift card

Sonic - gift card

Martina's flowers and gifts - gift card

Surrey Center Pharmacy - items for silent auction

Carolina Ale House - gift cards

Evans Animal Hospital - basket

DJ - John Burleson

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Giving Thanks

Thank you to everyone who came out and helped with the carwash on Saturday.  We raised a lot of money and had a great time.  I am truly blessed by lots of love.  Thank you to all of the sponsors and to all of those who came out and showed their support.

Thank you to all of the Street and Trail staff for allowing us to set up camp in your building and parking lot.  You were all wonderful hosts.

Thank you to Amber Cave, Sabrina, Melissa Bailie Cave, Elaine Sparks and everyone else who helped arrange the sponsors and get the gifts for auction.

Thank you to Emily and Dallas Williams and TJ Byrd and Brian Newman for buying and cooking all of that yummy BBQ!

Thank you to Chad Stawicki and Hooters for supplying and cooking all of the yummy wings and bites.  I have been on veggies for about 5 weeks and I cheated and ate some chicken bites and they were delicious!  Also, thank you to the beautiful Stawicki girls for helping wash cars.  You two are precious.

Thank you to Marianne Flanders for working so hard and doing such a great job.  Thanks for being you!

Thank you to my family who came out and helped wash cars, hold signs, and sell baked goods.  Mom, Dad, Aunt Sandra, Aunt Alison, Dolly, Sue, Bre, Kevin and Brooklen.

Thank you to Rachel Moats for your expert camera skills.  I'll post some to my blog once she gets them up.

Thank you to Brie Wells Tucker for working so hard.

Thank you to Miss Carly and Miss Brandy for helping wash cars.  You gals ROCK!

Thank you to Chris and Ann for your expertise in sign holding!  :)

Thank you to Erin Smith for watching my babies!

Thank you to Nicole Willis Stansell and her mother, Sandy Willis Lott, for your continued support.

Thank you to Melissa Cave for looking so sexy and drawing in all the cars!  :)



And Thank you to everyone who came out and bought shirts and bracelets and got your car washed.

A special thanks to the Christian Motorcycle Association.  God brought us together so that we could meet Elaine and Bill.  They are special people and have forever touched our lives.  Elaine is an esophageal cancer survivor and had the esophagectomy surgery.  It was great to talk with her and pick her brain a little.  We have gained a new grandma!  :)

AMBER CAVE YOU'RE AN AMAZING FRIEND AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU.  THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR HARD WORK.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MY FAMILY APPRECIATES EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR US.
YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.  HE IS ONE LUCKY GUY.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Thank you for all of your love and support.

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in a while but I don't have any updates.  Dusty is doing exceptionally well  with his chemo treatments.  This week is chemo week and he is doing great.  Of course he has his days but all in all he is doing very well.  Yesterday was his last chemo treatment in Augusta.  We fly out to Houston on June 19 to redo his scans and re-evaluate with the doctor.  Please continue to pray for Dusty.  Pray that his chemo treatments are working and shrinking his tumors.  Pray that he does not have anymore tumors and that his cancer has stayed localized.

Thank you to The Knights of Columbus and the Sheehan family for throwing the BBQ for us last Friday night.  Thank you to all that came out and supported us.  We greatly appreciate all of the love and support that you all are giving us.

Don't forget to swing by Street and Trail Saturday, June 9, between 10:00 - 2:00 to get your bike or car washed and join in on the Poker Run.  Thank you to Amber Cave for all of your hard work putting this together for my family.  Thank you to all of the sponsors: Tournament Housing & Events, HBH Inc Pools, SFC Contract Services, Southern Landscaping, Fine Lines Tattoo, Claeys McElroy-Magruder & Kitchens, Austin Ornamental Iron Works, GaLina Plumbing & Remodeling, Jiffy Lube, and BP Stucco.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

It's just hair!

Dusty had a great week last week (off chemo week).  He felt great!  He stopped taking his pain medicine.  Whoop whoop, something must be working inside him.  We went to my mom's house to swim on Saturday.  While I was lathering the kids with sunscreen I saw Dusty run his hands through his hair and pull out chunks of hair.  It was devastating.  You never realize how much hair means until you uncontrollably start losing it.  Dusty jumped up and said, "I'm shaving my head, NOW."  He went back to my house and I stayed with the kids swimming.  I don't know why I didn't go.  Maybe it was that I couldn't witness it.  I have always loved Dusty's hair.  It was so think and beautiful.  He called his best buddies, they came over and they all starting shaving their heads.  I'm sure that was a sight for the neighbors.  A group of guys shaving their heads in the front yard, giving each other high fives!  I started feeling bad about not being there to support Dusty.  I didn't know how he was feeling.  If it really didn't matter to him (like he was acting) or if he was upset.  I left the kids with Elaine and Danielle and went to my house.  When I pulled up, Dusty was in a rocking chair in my driveway and his sister, Bre, was shaving his head.  I could barely look at him at first.  It was hard to see him like this.  Other than a little bulge on his chest where his portacath is, there has been no physical sign that he has cancer.  Until now.  I gathered myself and got out of the car.  They were all having fun with it.  Dusty shaved a mullet first, then a beaver tail, then a mohawk, and lastly the shaved head.  It is not bald but buzzed very short.  It was a hard moment for me.  Dusty said I was being stupid, "It's just hair, it will grow back."  He said he wanted to do the boys' hair.  Wait, what?  Hold on!  Those are my babies, and you're not touching their heads.  I shrugged it off thinking it would go away.  It didn't.  I made a fuss about shaving the boys' heads.  I hurt Dusty's feelings. He said, "Does it look that horrible that you don't want your kids to look like this?"  Damn, he got me.   I told him he could do Reynolds' hair if Reynolds wanted to but not to touch Harland.  Harland is my baby and I'm keeping him to myself!  I went back to my mom's with Dusty and Aaron.  Reynolds immediately said he wanted to shave his head.  Dusty smirked with pride.  I frowned.  When we got home Reynolds started with the head shaving again.  I told him, "Once it is gone you can't go back.  You can no longer have mohawks and silly hair days with me."  I wanted him to think about it overnight and let me know tomorrow.  The next morning I was in the shower and in comes Reynolds, "I want to shave my head.  I thought about it all night!"  I cringed in the shower.  "Okay, you can do it."  I'm sure Dusty was in the background somewhere eaves dropping and smiling.  They went outside and did it.  When he came in I was a little sad.  He definitely has awesome hair and I love it longer but he looked cute.  How couldn't he?  Have you seen him?  He would look cute any way he was.  We went to church then went and met one of his professors at lunch.  Dr. Donna Wear has been an inspiration and mentor to Dusty.  She and Dusty have formed a mother/son relationship.  She showed up at lunch with a SHAVED HEAD!  I couldn't believe it.  A woman did this for him!  How awesome!  Dusty touches people in a way that is unexplainable.  I felt badly that I had made such a fuss over hair and here is a woman that didn't think twice about showing her support for my husband.  When we got home we did Harland's hair.  I cried with the first swipe of the razor.  I love Harland's gold hair, I've paid money to have hair his color!  Dusty said, "If I don't make it through this, I don't want Harland to look back at pictures when he is five and wonder why he was left out of the "shaved heads group"."  Damn, he got me again.  Harland did great with the head shaving.  It wasn't until after that he threw a fit because he was itchy.  Harland looks like a baby again.  I secretly like it.  I would never tell Dusty this!  :)  





Could it be the diet?

DON'T FORGET TO READ THE BOTTOM PARAGRAPH.

Things are really starting to look up.  Dusty is feeling good.  He had his third treatment Monday, which was supposed to be the treatment that would knock him on his butt, but he is doing great.  He told the doctor that he had stopped taking his pain medicine and the doctor was shocked.  Dusty asked if it could be the diet?  The doctor didn't know.  It has gotten easier for him to swallow, which leads me to believe that the tumor is shrinking.  Yeah Baby!!  Dusty has proven that he is a cancer warrior.  He will not go down easily or without a fight.  Food has always been such a big part of our lives.  We are total foodies!  We love food.  Our greatest joy was going to nice restaurants and splurging on good food.  But we have learned a lot about food and diet and we believe that we can do as much as the medicine.  With our efforts on diet and the doctor's efforts on medicine, WE CAN'T BE BEAT.  Dusty has done great with changing the way we look at food.  We no longer eat what we want, our bodies want what we eat.  We have discovered many delicious Vegan diets and have enjoyed preparing meals with each other.  It has been a great bonding period between the two of us.  Sometimes we cook for an hour and it taste horrible and we both just crack up or, we cook for an hour and it is delicious and we celebrate with a little kitchen jig!  I feel better and more energized and he is making great improvements.  I'm so proud of him.  And did I mention he is looking slim and sexy?  :)  Food has become a part of our lives again and we are no longer sad about not being able to eat at restaurants with tons of butter and fats.  Now, we are not strictly vegans.  Dusty has to keep his weight up and healthy so we are mainly eating a plant based diet but he eats organic, no hormone chicken once or twice a week.  We are not doing any dairy though.  There is a protein called casein that is found in milk that is a huge feeder of cancer (our beliefs from what we have studied and learned).  Below is a graph showing a group of rats that had tumors.  While they were eating only 5% casein in diets, their tumors SHRUNK. While they were eating 20% casein, their tumors grew.  So, not only can you stop your tumor growth by limiting casein, you can shrink your tumor.  I'm not trying to sway people, I just wanted to show this chart to explain why we are doing this.  I'm not blogging to change people.  This will be the only time I talk about facts and diet.


It’s as simple as this:
  • The rats on a 5 percent casein diet did not develop cancer clusters.
  • The rats on a 20 percent casein diet did.

WHILE WRITING THIS BLOG, DUSTY JUST CALLED ME AND SAID HE GOT AN EMAIL FROM HIS ONCOLOGIST SAYING THAT HIS CEA (this is the serum in your blood that can cause cancer cells to spread and metastasis) NUMBER HAS BEEN CUT IN HALF!!  I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD OF NEWS THIS IS.  THE HIGHER THE CEA THE MORE LIKELY THAT HIS CANCER WILL CONTINUE TO SPREAD TO OTHER ORGANS.  IF HIS CANCER SPREADS TO OTHER ORGANS, THEY WILL NO LONGER CALL IT STAGE 3, IT WILL BE STAGE 4 (INOPERABLE AND NON-CURABLE).  WE ARE DOING OUR PART AND THE DOCTORS ARE DOING THEIRS.  WE CAN'T BE BEAT! 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Great weekend!

DuSTy GrADuATeD!!!!!!

We had a great weekend!  Dusty's spirits were high and he felt okay.

Friday I spent the day with one of my besties, Elaine.  We ran errands and went to spinning.  I haven't gone spinning in months.  It felt so great to be back in the gym.  Friday night I ironed Reynolds, Dusty, and Mitchell's (Dusty's dad) clothes and got them ready for Saturday morning.  Harland spent the night with Mom so that I wasn't rushed in the morning and she could take him to Elaine's in the morning.

Saturday morning arose and Dusty was feeling okay.  I tried to get him pumped but he just shrugged it off.  He doesn't get excited anymore.  It is sad to see this in him but I can't imagine what he is going through.

Graduation started and Marianne and I started crying when they started walking out.  It was funny.  We laughed it off.  But, halfway through graduation I couldn't see Dusty.  I had binoculars and could not find him.  I started to worry.  Is he sick?  Where is he?  How am I going to get down to him?  Then, I got a text message, it was him!  He was leaning down texting me.  We joked back and forth and it was "Dusty being silly" again.  He still has his silly moments that I love so much.  Dusty proudly walked across the stage and we erupted.  It was SOOOO loud.  I'm proud of him and so thankful for the friends that came to support.  Towards the end of the ceremony Reynolds and I moved closer to try to get better pictures of Dusty.  Dusty had Reynolds hurry past the guard and down on the floor.  Dusty got to hold and carry Reynolds out of graduation.  It was great!  After graduation Dusty went home for a nap and I headed to mom's house to start getting ready for the graduation party.  It was fun.  Although, the main topic seems to always be cancer.  :(

AROUND 25 SECONDS DUSTY TURNS ONTO THE AISLE WITH REYNOLDS IN HIS ARMS.  REYNOLDS IS IN WHITE.

For Mother's Day I was too tired to celebrate.  I had been working so hard on planning graduation that once it came and went, I didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day.  We just hung around and watched a movie.  Dusty cooked me vegan chili and vegan cornbread.  It was yummy!

All in all, it was a great weekend!  We are glad that we do not have any chemo this week.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Good for him, bad for me.

Today, May 9, was a great day for Dusty.  He is feeling much better.  He has not had any animal products in three days and feels great.  He is also starting to "juice".  He is making the "mean green" juice, made from kale, cucumbers, carrots, lemons, green apples, and ginger root.  Ew!  It is doable and I've read and seen that it gets better and easier to drink, but I'll stick to the vegan diet and let him do the juice!  I did make fresh apple juice and it is much better than the crap you buy in the store.  No added sugars!  Yummy!

Yesterday I was in a rut.  Nothing could make me happy.  I was mad.  People made me angry, my pets made me angry, my kids made me angry, Dusty made me angry.  EVERYTHING!  Just being awake made me angry.  I was on my pity pot.  Poor pitiful me!  Like I have cancer, c'mon Stace, get over yourself!  It could be that I wanted a big fat cheeseburger?

I'm a little better today.  I drank an "Awake", it's wheat grass and aloe juice.  I thought the same things that you're thinking now.  At first I hated it, ew it has slimy chunks, but then I got over the chunks and I liked it.  Before long, I was feeling great and energized.  It was better than any 5 hour energy or skinny vanilla latte could do.  I had my first day eating strictly vegan and it wasn't bad.  I can do this.  



Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The silence screams the truth.

I know I have been missing in action for a while but I haven't had much to blog about.  My mind has been free and I've been at a good place.  Until last night.  Dusty has been doing great with his chemo treatments.  He has them every other Monday (yesterday) and takes three pills twice a day for a week on and a week off.  Last week was his break and he felt good.  He has to take naps and not overdue it but can still go on with day to day activities.  My Uncle Chris let us use the beach house so we went to Edisto and and had a nice trip.  Well, other than me thinking I could handle having a few drinks on Saturday.  Obviously, I SHOULDN'T!  So, no more screwdrivers or rum and diet cokes for me.  Yes, it was that bad!  Seriously.

Dusty played golf with my dad on Friday and Saturday.  He felt okay, not great, but doable.  Yes, dad beat him but that is normal.  Sorry Dust!  Saturday afternoon we went to watch the boats come in from the fishing tournament and let the boys see the big fish.  They had a band at the marina and I ended up dancing with Harland and the band the whole time while Dusty, Reynolds, Aaron (my neighbor), Mom and Dad went to see the fish.  Like I said, never drinking again!  :)

Sunday we returned home and went to bed early to get ready for Dusty's next round of chemo Monday morning.  Aaron had the day off work so he went to chemo with Dusty.  I took the kids to school and then went to work.  Dusty called me at 12:30 and wanted me to bring him lunch.  Good sign that he was hungry.  He has lost so much weight.  I went to Soy Noodle House and got thai noodles with tofu.  I joined Dusty, Aaron, and Bre at Augusta Oncology Associates.  The food was actually very good.  We have decided to follow a vegan diet.  Dusty, being such a star student, has done a lot of research on it and has decided that would be the best way to help fight cancer along with the medicines.  We are going to give it a shot.  Dusty did great at chemo.  It was his first round with his port-a-cath.  He said it was much easier and he didn't feel a burning sensation like last time.

After chemo we went to join Mom, Dad, and Reynolds at the movies to see The Avengers.  Reynolds sat in-between Dusty and me so I didn't notice a change in Dusty.  When we walked out of the theatre, I couldn't tell if it was my eyes adjusting or if Dusty's skin really was pale-clear looking.  It wasn't my eyes.  He was sick.  Very sick.  He had quickly changed.  He said he needed to go home quickly.  I had to go get Harland from daycare so Aaron drove Dusty home with Reynolds.

When I got home with Harland, Reynolds and Aaron were outside.  Aaron said Dusty didn't want Reynolds inside.  Oh no, it has begun.  I waited patiently outside for a few minutes.  My mind started racing.  I don't know what to do.  Should I go inside?  Should I stay out here?  Dusty does not like to show weakness and never has allowed me to see him sick.  Dusty came out.  He looked horrible, like his soul was gone.  He had a face like death.  He came over to his truck, where Harland was in the bed playing, and put his forearms on the truck and started crying.  He was shaking crying.  It broke me to see my strong husband break.  The man that is my rock and will protect me needs me to hold him up.  It must be bad for Dusty to cry.  I've only seen him cry a couple of times and none of them were from pain.  He is so strong.  Harland leaned over the bed of the truck and held Dusty.  He has to beat this.  His boys worship him and can't be without their dad.  This upset Dusty more to have his baby boy consoling him.  This whole time Dusty has worried how this will affect the boys spirits.  I said, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch."  He said, "He didn't want to be inside."  But his legs were giving out on him.  He said it felt like his legs were cramping and his bones were all breaking.  I said again, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch, I'll rub your legs."  He just kept holding on to the truck as if he would collapse if he let go.  Aaron was in shock, neither of us knew what to say or do.  Finally, Dusty agreed to go inside.  Aaron went home and we went in.  I quickly fed and bathed the boys and put them to bed.  Dusty laid in bed like a mummy.  He said when he moves he thinks he will get sick.  I turned out all of the lights, lit some candles and rubbed his legs.  I could feel his muscles jumping.  It was like his muscles were at war with the chemo and I could feel the cannons exploding.  We have been listening to healing meditation each night and it has helped calm both of us.  I never imagined I would need to listen to meditation music to feel comfortable in my own bed but when CANCER is screaming in the silence at night, I have to have something to ease my mind.  The silence screams the truth.