I feel like I'm drowning

Today has been hard.  I'm feeling very alone.  I miss my kids so badly that I can't breath.  It feels like I'm snorkeling, like I'm breathing enough to live but not getting satisfied by my breaths.  I feel like I'm drowning slowly.  I need my kids.  They are my life.  I'm counting down the days.  three days!!!  My mom is flying out with the boys on Friday.  I can't wait.  I'm so excited.  I'm more anxious to see them Friday than on the day they were born.  Seriously.  I already told Dusty we weren't going to sleep together the whole time they are here.  We are going to alternate which kid we get each night.  I can't wait to snuggle with them.  My rule of no children in the Master bed has gone out the window.  Hell, when I get home I may move their beds into my room.  Not really!  But, we will definitely have more pajama parties.  Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I last touched my boys.  I'm literally going to attack them at the airport on Friday.  ATTACK!


Dusty is still doing good.  He is a chemo warrior.  He does so good with it.  He can feel the effects of the radiation but it is still tolerable.  We are learning how to manage his medicines.  If he takes his pain medicine 30 minutes before he eats, it helps with swallowing.  He also has a liquid that numbs his throat to help with swallowing, but we learned that it makes him nauseous so he has to take his anti-nausea medicine with the liquid.  It is all trial and error but we are learning what works for him.   Monday his platelets were low so we almost didn't get to do chemo but the doctor said lets move forward with chemo.  Since we didn't start radiation the first week we were here, we are going to be here a week longer; therefore, the doctor added one more chemo treatment.  So, now we have two more chemo treatments and seventeen more radiation treatments.  Friday we will be halfway done with radiation.  Yay!  


Our doctor got us in touch with a stage 3 esophageal cancer survivor who is 27.  We went to church and met John "Ty" and his fiancé, Niccole.  They are such warm and inviting people.  After church they invited us to lunch with them and two other couples, Robin and Ben and Stephanie and Will.  We ended up staying at the restaurant for three hours.  It was so great to get away from reality and have some fun.  It was the first time in a long time that I have laughed.  I'm hoping to have lunch again with the girls and Dusty and Ty plan on playing golf soon.  My hotel in near Robin and Niccole's work so hopefully, I can meet up with them once a week.
Niccole was by Ty's side through his entire treatment and surgery.  She told me what to expect and how to help him.  After surgery Dusty can't have food or water for 12 days, he will be on a feeding tube.  She WARNED me not to eat or drink anything in front of him during this period.  Let's just say her sneaking a butterfinger almost started World War III!  It feels good to have people here if I need help.  And they are good people.  They truly were there to help us and didn't make us feel out of place.  It was nice.

Tomorrow Dusty and I are getting out of my hotel room and going to help my college roommate with moving.  I'm excited to spend the day with Ashley.  She always makes me smile.

Making connections

Dusty is doing good with his treatments.  We have completed 8 of 28 radiation treatments and he only has 2 more chemo treatments left.  He is starting to have difficulty swallowing and pains but he is managing it well.  He said it feels like constant heartburn and he can feel heat in his stomach and back.  The pain radiates through his esophagus and he says he can feel it in his spine.  He is getting winded more easily due to radiation splatter on his lungs.  But, he said it is tolerable.  His attitude has gotten a lot better.  Our doctor got us in touch with a 27 year old guy that just followed pretty much the same treatment plan: chemo, then chemo with radiation, and followed by the surgery.  Dusty and him hit it off immediately.  They talked for almost an hour on the phone.  He made Dusty feel a lot better about the situation.  He told him what to expect and how to manage certain things.  It is a great connection.  We are going to church with him on Sunday.

Depression

Depression sucks!  That's it.  That's the bottom line.  I've never had to deal with it and I've never understood it.  But now it is in my face.  Dusty is sad.  Very very sad.  It is so hard to see him like this.  The man I love, the strongest man in my eyes, is so depressed.  He is having such a hard time the past three days.  He misses his kids more than anything.  He can't bear to Skype with them because it only hurts him more.  He has been fighting with me about taking his meds for fear of addiction but today, I won.  He finally took the actual dosage of his pain meds.  He has been trying to get by on only taking half.  I've told him not to fight it.  The doctors know how to prescribe it and they know how to wean you off of it.

It has just been a bad day.  But, on the good side.  My college roomie, Ashley Bridges, is coming to get me tomorrow night for a girls night at the movies.  Yep, we are going to see Magic Mike.  Don't judge, you know you want to see it!

Radiation

I'm sorry that I have been out of touch.  I've been having a hard time out here and writers block.  We were put off for a week and a day.  Our insurance company would not approve proton therapy because it is too new and too expensive.  We were supposed to start radiation on Monday, July 2.  They told us on Monday that we were not approved yet, then on Tuesday our insurance company would not return calls, knowing that Wednesday was July 4 and they would be closed.  So, this pushed us back to Thursday, well on Thursday at noon is when we were supposed to have our answers.  NOPE!  Nothing.  We called the doctors everyday and called the insurance company everyday.  Finally, on Monday, July 9, the doctor said lets go with plan 2, IMRT radiation.  Plan 2?  What does that mean?  Second best?  The doctor assured us that IMRT is really good.  He told us we are not getting 2nd rate medicine.  That IMRT is still better than other hospitals offer.  Way more advanced than everywhere else.  IMRT has a lose dose of radiation splatter to the surrounding areas.  Proton therapy does not.  We wanted proton therapy because radiation splatter to the surrounding areas means radiation splatter on his lungs and heart.  The heart is a strong muscle so radiation splatter is not much concern but the lungs are what scares us.  We need his lungs to stay strong for the surgery.

So, after coming out here 11 days too early, spending $1419 on an unnecessary hotel room, and being away from our children for a week and a half, we finally started on Tuesday, July 10.  Dusty did really well on Tuesday.  You don't feel radiation.  You start to feel the effects of radiation after about two weeks but you don't feel radiation during radiation.  Dusty has ups and downs.  He has random pains in his chest and legs.  He gets restless legs and has to use heating pads.  His spirits have been down since we started radiation.  I think it is something new and he is adjusting.  The first few days of chemo he did the same thing.  So, I think it is the initial shock of having to do radiation that is bringing him down.  There are many support groups here and I'm trying to get him to go with me but he is a private person.  He did make one joke about not glowing in the dark when we went to bed the other night!  :)  

My strength is being tested.  I'm really having a hard time being away from the kids.  I can feel Reynolds pulling away from us.  I don't know if it is because he is angry at us for leaving him or if he is  just busy when we call, but he doesn't want to talk to us much and only says hello for a minute on FaceTime and Skype.  I miss him so much.  Harland on the other hand doesn't want to get off of FaceTime and Skype.  He kisses the screen and loves to make faces with me.  I hold the screen tightly and cry to hold him.  It is like a part of me has died.  I need my children.  Luckily we raised enough money for me to buy two plane tickets to fly them here.  My mom is going to fly the kids out on July 27.  I can't wait.  We are so excited to see them.

Lucky penny

Saying goodbye to your children is never easy.  Wednesday night I had to say goodbye to my boys for 6 weeks.  That is the hardest part of this journey, not having my boys to hold when times get tough and we are down.  They remind us of what we are fighting for.  They are our reason for living.  Harland didn't understand that we were leaving for 6 weeks but Reynolds did.  Harland just thought it was another spend the night at Lolly and Pampaw's house.  But Reynolds knew.  He cried and begged to come along.  It was so hard to have to literally peel Reynolds off of my leg.  I cried the whole way home.  They are my life but so is Dusty and right now, Dusty needs me.  We have to do this so that we can be here for the boys forever.

Thursday morning we loaded up and headed out.  Not sure where we would stop but knew the route we would take.  I started my iPod playlist by artist, Alan Jackson was toward the top and we heard Midnight in Montgomery (song about Hank Williams Senior), Dusty said, "Hey, lets go see Hank Williams' grave while in Montgomery."  So we did!  I mean, Why not?  We didn't really have to be in Houston until Saturday evening so we thought we would make a trip out of the drive.  We saw the grave and took some pictures.  It was neat.  We continued on and ended up getting all the way to Biloxi, MS.  We stayed in a casino hotel and decided to play our luck on the slot machines.  Hell, we have had good news lately and felt lucky.  I put in $20, Dusty put in $20, and Mitchell (Dusty's dad) put in $13.  At the end of an hour we had $53.01. That's right, we won one penny!  That is our lucky penny!  We cashed in a called it a night.

Mitchell, Me, and Hank

Friday morning while leaving the hotel we passed the slot machines.  I threw in two more dollars and BAM, lost it.  So, in the end, we were in the hole $1.99.  Better than most of the poor souls we saw going machine to machine, rubbing rabbit's feet, and losing everything!

We continued down the coastal highway and saw Jefferson Davis' house.  We didn't pay to go in, just drove by and took a picture.

We decided to drive into New Orleans.  Katrina aftermath is still EVERYWHERE!  We passed many sections that were like ghost towns, construction dumpsters were on every corner, and every third house seemed to still be condemned.  It was so depressing.  Then, we went to the French Quarters.  EW!  It is the filthiest place I've ever been.  The streets were full of weird people and trash everywhere.  It seemed like every block had a strip club and sex shop.  It was not where I wanted to sightsee.  I checked trip advisor and everyone said you should visit the cemeteries in New Orleans.  So, we did.  It was worth the trip.  The monuments that people used to build are unbelievable.  Total works of art.  It was fascinating and creepy all together.  I enjoyed reading the history and learning the stories of some of the tombs.  They give you a CD to put in your car and a map of how to get to the different tombs.  It was really cool.  

On to Houston.  We arrived in Houston at about 9:30 and got checked into our hotel and passed out.  It was a long two days of driving.  I learned a lot along the way.  I learned that my father-in-law giggles in his sleep, that I never want to return to New Orleans, and that I want to be buried in a kick ass tomb!