It's just hair!

Dusty had a great week last week (off chemo week).  He felt great!  He stopped taking his pain medicine.  Whoop whoop, something must be working inside him.  We went to my mom's house to swim on Saturday.  While I was lathering the kids with sunscreen I saw Dusty run his hands through his hair and pull out chunks of hair.  It was devastating.  You never realize how much hair means until you uncontrollably start losing it.  Dusty jumped up and said, "I'm shaving my head, NOW."  He went back to my house and I stayed with the kids swimming.  I don't know why I didn't go.  Maybe it was that I couldn't witness it.  I have always loved Dusty's hair.  It was so think and beautiful.  He called his best buddies, they came over and they all starting shaving their heads.  I'm sure that was a sight for the neighbors.  A group of guys shaving their heads in the front yard, giving each other high fives!  I started feeling bad about not being there to support Dusty.  I didn't know how he was feeling.  If it really didn't matter to him (like he was acting) or if he was upset.  I left the kids with Elaine and Danielle and went to my house.  When I pulled up, Dusty was in a rocking chair in my driveway and his sister, Bre, was shaving his head.  I could barely look at him at first.  It was hard to see him like this.  Other than a little bulge on his chest where his portacath is, there has been no physical sign that he has cancer.  Until now.  I gathered myself and got out of the car.  They were all having fun with it.  Dusty shaved a mullet first, then a beaver tail, then a mohawk, and lastly the shaved head.  It is not bald but buzzed very short.  It was a hard moment for me.  Dusty said I was being stupid, "It's just hair, it will grow back."  He said he wanted to do the boys' hair.  Wait, what?  Hold on!  Those are my babies, and you're not touching their heads.  I shrugged it off thinking it would go away.  It didn't.  I made a fuss about shaving the boys' heads.  I hurt Dusty's feelings. He said, "Does it look that horrible that you don't want your kids to look like this?"  Damn, he got me.   I told him he could do Reynolds' hair if Reynolds wanted to but not to touch Harland.  Harland is my baby and I'm keeping him to myself!  I went back to my mom's with Dusty and Aaron.  Reynolds immediately said he wanted to shave his head.  Dusty smirked with pride.  I frowned.  When we got home Reynolds started with the head shaving again.  I told him, "Once it is gone you can't go back.  You can no longer have mohawks and silly hair days with me."  I wanted him to think about it overnight and let me know tomorrow.  The next morning I was in the shower and in comes Reynolds, "I want to shave my head.  I thought about it all night!"  I cringed in the shower.  "Okay, you can do it."  I'm sure Dusty was in the background somewhere eaves dropping and smiling.  They went outside and did it.  When he came in I was a little sad.  He definitely has awesome hair and I love it longer but he looked cute.  How couldn't he?  Have you seen him?  He would look cute any way he was.  We went to church then went and met one of his professors at lunch.  Dr. Donna Wear has been an inspiration and mentor to Dusty.  She and Dusty have formed a mother/son relationship.  She showed up at lunch with a SHAVED HEAD!  I couldn't believe it.  A woman did this for him!  How awesome!  Dusty touches people in a way that is unexplainable.  I felt badly that I had made such a fuss over hair and here is a woman that didn't think twice about showing her support for my husband.  When we got home we did Harland's hair.  I cried with the first swipe of the razor.  I love Harland's gold hair, I've paid money to have hair his color!  Dusty said, "If I don't make it through this, I don't want Harland to look back at pictures when he is five and wonder why he was left out of the "shaved heads group"."  Damn, he got me again.  Harland did great with the head shaving.  It wasn't until after that he threw a fit because he was itchy.  Harland looks like a baby again.  I secretly like it.  I would never tell Dusty this!  :)  

Could it be the diet?

DON'T FORGET TO READ THE BOTTOM PARAGRAPH.

Things are really starting to look up.  Dusty is feeling good.  He had his third treatment Monday, which was supposed to be the treatment that would knock him on his butt, but he is doing great.  He told the doctor that he had stopped taking his pain medicine and the doctor was shocked.  Dusty asked if it could be the diet?  The doctor didn't know.  It has gotten easier for him to swallow, which leads me to believe that the tumor is shrinking.  Yeah Baby!!  Dusty has proven that he is a cancer warrior.  He will not go down easily or without a fight.  Food has always been such a big part of our lives.  We are total foodies!  We love food.  Our greatest joy was going to nice restaurants and splurging on good food.  But we have learned a lot about food and diet and we believe that we can do as much as the medicine.  With our efforts on diet and the doctor's efforts on medicine, WE CAN'T BE BEAT.  Dusty has done great with changing the way we look at food.  We no longer eat what we want, our bodies want what we eat.  We have discovered many delicious Vegan diets and have enjoyed preparing meals with each other.  It has been a great bonding period between the two of us.  Sometimes we cook for an hour and it taste horrible and we both just crack up or, we cook for an hour and it is delicious and we celebrate with a little kitchen jig!  I feel better and more energized and he is making great improvements.  I'm so proud of him.  And did I mention he is looking slim and sexy?  :)  Food has become a part of our lives again and we are no longer sad about not being able to eat at restaurants with tons of butter and fats.  Now, we are not strictly vegans.  Dusty has to keep his weight up and healthy so we are mainly eating a plant based diet but he eats organic, no hormone chicken once or twice a week.  We are not doing any dairy though.  There is a protein called casein that is found in milk that is a huge feeder of cancer (our beliefs from what we have studied and learned).  Below is a graph showing a group of rats that had tumors.  While they were eating only 5% casein in diets, their tumors SHRUNK. While they were eating 20% casein, their tumors grew.  So, not only can you stop your tumor growth by limiting casein, you can shrink your tumor.  I'm not trying to sway people, I just wanted to show this chart to explain why we are doing this.  I'm not blogging to change people.  This will be the only time I talk about facts and diet.

It’s as simple as this:

• The rats on a 5 percent casein diet did not develop cancer clusters.
• The rats on a 20 percent casein diet did.

WHILE WRITING THIS BLOG, DUSTY JUST CALLED ME AND SAID HE GOT AN EMAIL FROM HIS ONCOLOGIST SAYING THAT HIS CEA (this is the serum in your blood that can cause cancer cells to spread and metastasis) NUMBER HAS BEEN CUT IN HALF!!  I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD OF NEWS THIS IS.  THE HIGHER THE CEA THE MORE LIKELY THAT HIS CANCER WILL CONTINUE TO SPREAD TO OTHER ORGANS.  IF HIS CANCER SPREADS TO OTHER ORGANS, THEY WILL NO LONGER CALL IT STAGE 3, IT WILL BE STAGE 4 (INOPERABLE AND NON-CURABLE).  WE ARE DOING OUR PART AND THE DOCTORS ARE DOING THEIRS.  WE CAN'T BE BEAT! 

Great weekend!

DuSTy GrADuATeD!!!!!!

We had a great weekend!  Dusty's spirits were high and he felt okay.

Friday I spent the day with one of my besties, Elaine.  We ran errands and went to spinning.  I haven't gone spinning in months.  It felt so great to be back in the gym.  Friday night I ironed Reynolds, Dusty, and Mitchell's (Dusty's dad) clothes and got them ready for Saturday morning.  Harland spent the night with Mom so that I wasn't rushed in the morning and she could take him to Elaine's in the morning.

Saturday morning arose and Dusty was feeling okay.  I tried to get him pumped but he just shrugged it off.  He doesn't get excited anymore.  It is sad to see this in him but I can't imagine what he is going through.

Graduation started and Marianne and I started crying when they started walking out.  It was funny.  We laughed it off.  But, halfway through graduation I couldn't see Dusty.  I had binoculars and could not find him.  I started to worry.  Is he sick?  Where is he?  How am I going to get down to him?  Then, I got a text message, it was him!  He was leaning down texting me.  We joked back and forth and it was "Dusty being silly" again.  He still has his silly moments that I love so much.  Dusty proudly walked across the stage and we erupted.  It was SOOOO loud.  I'm proud of him and so thankful for the friends that came to support.  Towards the end of the ceremony Reynolds and I moved closer to try to get better pictures of Dusty.  Dusty had Reynolds hurry past the guard and down on the floor.  Dusty got to hold and carry Reynolds out of graduation.  It was great!  After graduation Dusty went home for a nap and I headed to mom's house to start getting ready for the graduation party.  It was fun.  Although, the main topic seems to always be cancer.  :(

AROUND 25 SECONDS DUSTY TURNS ONTO THE AISLE WITH REYNOLDS IN HIS ARMS.  REYNOLDS IS IN WHITE.

For Mother's Day I was too tired to celebrate.  I had been working so hard on planning graduation that once it came and went, I didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day.  We just hung around and watched a movie.  Dusty cooked me vegan chili and vegan cornbread.  It was yummy!

All in all, it was a great weekend!  We are glad that we do not have any chemo this week.

Good for him, bad for me.

Today, May 9, was a great day for Dusty.  He is feeling much better.  He has not had any animal products in three days and feels great.  He is also starting to "juice".  He is making the "mean green" juice, made from kale, cucumbers, carrots, lemons, green apples, and ginger root.  Ew!  It is doable and I've read and seen that it gets better and easier to drink, but I'll stick to the vegan diet and let him do the juice!  I did make fresh apple juice and it is much better than the crap you buy in the store.  No added sugars!  Yummy!

Yesterday I was in a rut.  Nothing could make me happy.  I was mad.  People made me angry, my pets made me angry, my kids made me angry, Dusty made me angry.  EVERYTHING!  Just being awake made me angry.  I was on my pity pot.  Poor pitiful me!  Like I have cancer, c'mon Stace, get over yourself!  It could be that I wanted a big fat cheeseburger?

I'm a little better today.  I drank an "Awake", it's wheat grass and aloe juice.  I thought the same things that you're thinking now.  At first I hated it, ew it has slimy chunks, but then I got over the chunks and I liked it.  Before long, I was feeling great and energized.  It was better than any 5 hour energy or skinny vanilla latte could do.  I had my first day eating strictly vegan and it wasn't bad.  I can do this.  

The silence screams the truth.

I know I have been missing in action for a while but I haven't had much to blog about.  My mind has been free and I've been at a good place.  Until last night.  Dusty has been doing great with his chemo treatments.  He has them every other Monday (yesterday) and takes three pills twice a day for a week on and a week off.  Last week was his break and he felt good.  He has to take naps and not overdue it but can still go on with day to day activities.  My Uncle Chris let us use the beach house so we went to Edisto and and had a nice trip.  Well, other than me thinking I could handle having a few drinks on Saturday.  Obviously, I SHOULDN'T!  So, no more screwdrivers or rum and diet cokes for me.  Yes, it was that bad!  Seriously.

Dusty played golf with my dad on Friday and Saturday.  He felt okay, not great, but doable.  Yes, dad beat him but that is normal.  Sorry Dust!  Saturday afternoon we went to watch the boats come in from the fishing tournament and let the boys see the big fish.  They had a band at the marina and I ended up dancing with Harland and the band the whole time while Dusty, Reynolds, Aaron (my neighbor), Mom and Dad went to see the fish.  Like I said, never drinking again!  :)

Sunday we returned home and went to bed early to get ready for Dusty's next round of chemo Monday morning.  Aaron had the day off work so he went to chemo with Dusty.  I took the kids to school and then went to work.  Dusty called me at 12:30 and wanted me to bring him lunch.  Good sign that he was hungry.  He has lost so much weight.  I went to Soy Noodle House and got thai noodles with tofu.  I joined Dusty, Aaron, and Bre at Augusta Oncology Associates.  The food was actually very good.  We have decided to follow a vegan diet.  Dusty, being such a star student, has done a lot of research on it and has decided that would be the best way to help fight cancer along with the medicines.  We are going to give it a shot.  Dusty did great at chemo.  It was his first round with his port-a-cath.  He said it was much easier and he didn't feel a burning sensation like last time.

After chemo we went to join Mom, Dad, and Reynolds at the movies to see The Avengers.  Reynolds sat in-between Dusty and me so I didn't notice a change in Dusty.  When we walked out of the theatre, I couldn't tell if it was my eyes adjusting or if Dusty's skin really was pale-clear looking.  It wasn't my eyes.  He was sick.  Very sick.  He had quickly changed.  He said he needed to go home quickly.  I had to go get Harland from daycare so Aaron drove Dusty home with Reynolds.

When I got home with Harland, Reynolds and Aaron were outside.  Aaron said Dusty didn't want Reynolds inside.  Oh no, it has begun.  I waited patiently outside for a few minutes.  My mind started racing.  I don't know what to do.  Should I go inside?  Should I stay out here?  Dusty does not like to show weakness and never has allowed me to see him sick.  Dusty came out.  He looked horrible, like his soul was gone.  He had a face like death.  He came over to his truck, where Harland was in the bed playing, and put his forearms on the truck and started crying.  He was shaking crying.  It broke me to see my strong husband break.  The man that is my rock and will protect me needs me to hold him up.  It must be bad for Dusty to cry.  I've only seen him cry a couple of times and none of them were from pain.  He is so strong.  Harland leaned over the bed of the truck and held Dusty.  He has to beat this.  His boys worship him and can't be without their dad.  This upset Dusty more to have his baby boy consoling him.  This whole time Dusty has worried how this will affect the boys spirits.  I said, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch."  He said, "He didn't want to be inside."  But his legs were giving out on him.  He said it felt like his legs were cramping and his bones were all breaking.  I said again, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch, I'll rub your legs."  He just kept holding on to the truck as if he would collapse if he let go.  Aaron was in shock, neither of us knew what to say or do.  Finally, Dusty agreed to go inside.  Aaron went home and we went in.  I quickly fed and bathed the boys and put them to bed.  Dusty laid in bed like a mummy.  He said when he moves he thinks he will get sick.  I turned out all of the lights, lit some candles and rubbed his legs.  I could feel his muscles jumping.  It was like his muscles were at war with the chemo and I could feel the cannons exploding.  We have been listening to healing meditation each night and it has helped calm both of us.  I never imagined I would need to listen to meditation music to feel comfortable in my own bed but when CANCER is screaming in the silence at night, I have to have something to ease my mind.  The silence screams the truth.