I know I have been missing in action for a while but I haven't had much to blog about. My mind has been free and I've been at a good place. Until last night. Dusty has been doing great with his chemo treatments. He has them every other Monday (yesterday) and takes three pills twice a day for a week on and a week off. Last week was his break and he felt good. He has to take naps and not overdue it but can still go on with day to day activities. My Uncle Chris let us use the beach house so we went to Edisto and and had a nice trip. Well, other than me thinking I could handle having a few drinks on Saturday. Obviously, I SHOULDN'T! So, no more screwdrivers or rum and diet cokes for me. Yes, it was that bad! Seriously.
Dusty played golf with my dad on Friday and Saturday. He felt okay, not great, but doable. Yes, dad beat him but that is normal. Sorry Dust! Saturday afternoon we went to watch the boats come in from the fishing tournament and let the boys see the big fish. They had a band at the marina and I ended up dancing with Harland and the band the whole time while Dusty, Reynolds, Aaron (my neighbor), Mom and Dad went to see the fish. Like I said, never drinking again! :)
Sunday we returned home and went to bed early to get ready for Dusty's next round of chemo Monday morning. Aaron had the day off work so he went to chemo with Dusty. I took the kids to school and then went to work. Dusty called me at 12:30 and wanted me to bring him lunch. Good sign that he was hungry. He has lost so much weight. I went to Soy Noodle House and got thai noodles with tofu. I joined Dusty, Aaron, and Bre at Augusta Oncology Associates. The food was actually very good. We have decided to follow a vegan diet. Dusty, being such a star student, has done a lot of research on it and has decided that would be the best way to help fight cancer along with the medicines. We are going to give it a shot. Dusty did great at chemo. It was his first round with his port-a-cath. He said it was much easier and he didn't feel a burning sensation like last time.
After chemo we went to join Mom, Dad, and Reynolds at the movies to see The Avengers. Reynolds sat in-between Dusty and me so I didn't notice a change in Dusty. When we walked out of the theatre, I couldn't tell if it was my eyes adjusting or if Dusty's skin really was pale-clear looking. It wasn't my eyes. He was sick. Very sick. He had quickly changed. He said he needed to go home quickly. I had to go get Harland from daycare so Aaron drove Dusty home with Reynolds.
When I got home with Harland, Reynolds and Aaron were outside. Aaron said Dusty didn't want Reynolds inside. Oh no, it has begun. I waited patiently outside for a few minutes. My mind started racing. I don't know what to do. Should I go inside? Should I stay out here? Dusty does not like to show weakness and never has allowed me to see him sick. Dusty came out. He looked horrible, like his soul was gone. He had a face like death. He came over to his truck, where Harland was in the bed playing, and put his forearms on the truck and started crying. He was shaking crying. It broke me to see my strong husband break. The man that is my rock and will protect me needs me to hold him up. It must be bad for Dusty to cry. I've only seen him cry a couple of times and none of them were from pain. He is so strong. Harland leaned over the bed of the truck and held Dusty. He has to beat this. His boys worship him and can't be without their dad. This upset Dusty more to have his baby boy consoling him. This whole time Dusty has worried how this will affect the boys spirits. I said, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch." He said, "He didn't want to be inside." But his legs were giving out on him. He said it felt like his legs were cramping and his bones were all breaking. I said again, "Let's go inside and you can lay on the couch, I'll rub your legs." He just kept holding on to the truck as if he would collapse if he let go. Aaron was in shock, neither of us knew what to say or do. Finally, Dusty agreed to go inside. Aaron went home and we went in. I quickly fed and bathed the boys and put them to bed. Dusty laid in bed like a mummy. He said when he moves he thinks he will get sick. I turned out all of the lights, lit some candles and rubbed his legs. I could feel his muscles jumping. It was like his muscles were at war with the chemo and I could feel the cannons exploding. We have been listening to healing meditation each night and it has helped calm both of us. I never imagined I would need to listen to meditation music to feel comfortable in my own bed but when CANCER is screaming in the silence at night, I have to have something to ease my mind. The silence screams the truth.
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