Good news but not great

This morning was a difficult morning.  We didn't have much to say to each other and there were a lot of blank stares.  I kept trying to tell him that everything was going to be okay, "No matter what, we would continue to fight."  It's easy to say but we are physically and mentally exhausted.  I kept reiterating how much better he has been feeling.  I told him, "Your color looks so good, your weight is coming back, your appetite is up and you have energy again."  Something has to be working.  It's hard to reassure someone who has been let down so many times.

We went and gave blood and then walked over to the hospital hotel restaurant and ate breakfast.  Dusty had two eggs, some bacon, hash browns, and french toast.  I told you his appetite is up!  I couldn't eat, I just drank multiple cups of coffee.  Time ticked.  Finally, it was time to go meet the doctor.  While we were walking down the skybridge from the hospital hotel over to the hospital I held Dusty's hand tightly.  I chuckled humming the Darth Vader song in my head as we marched!

We signed in and didn't have to wait long (thank God).  They called him back for vitals and put us in a room.  Dusty gained 7 pounds in 2.5 weeks.  I did a little celebration dance.  I give myself that credit.  Hey, if you had to fight Dusty as hard as I did to eat, you'd give yourself credit too!  The PA and a student came in, like always, to ask questions on how he's doing and any symptoms.  All pointed to positive.  Dusty has made great improvements and is doing well.

The doctor came in a had mixed emotions on his face.  Here we go again.  What more can we handle?  The doctor pulled up Dusty's PET scan and showed us where his liver tumor has SHRUNK significantly.  Whooooooooo HOOOOOOOOOOO!!  HiP HiP HoOrAY!  Oh thank you Jesus!  The doctor was very pleased with the decrease in size of the tumor.  He showed us side by side images of the scan two months ago and the scan yesterday and you could visibly see the difference.  The liver tumor was noticeably smaller.  But then, yep, there's a "then", he showed us more "spots".  There are now two more tumors in his liver and two tumors in his right lung.  I just lost it crying.  How can he be getting worse when he looks so great?  The doctor turned his attention to me and said, "This is good news but not great.  The good news is that the tumor that was going to eventually kill Dusty is shrinking."  He said we need to continue on the trial and get the "beast tumor" under more control and then start worrying about the other tumors.  I asked if we are pumping chemo directly into the liver, how can other tumors form in there?  Could they be a different type of cancer?  He said no, that cancer is constantly dividing and spreading.  I asked if we should pump the chemo into his liver and then roll his body around to coat all of the liver?  I met someone here that had stomach cancer and they did this with the rolling around of the body to coat the organ.  He said no.  I tried to reach for questions but was in such shock I couldn't think of any.  I just sat there crying.  Dusty was so sweet to explain to the doctor how high my hopes were.  The doctor re-explained that this is still good news.  I asked about the lung and if he needed to be treated for lung cancer now.  He said, "Let's focus on completely controlling the tumor that is trying to kill Dusty first."